This week has been a tough one. Aside from issues at work and issues on the homefront, it is a somber week. Three years ago on August 19, my mother in law was found dead. The details are not for posting on a blog, however it was a shock.
As with any death, especially a sudden one, there are so many questions that are left unanswered. Every year I keep remembering the last conversation I had with her. It plays through in my mind like a bad movie that I can't stop. I feel guilt covering me like a blanket because she asked me to do something and I couldn't. Then I feel anger ripping the guilt blanket off and boiling my blood. Why you ask? The one and only time that I listened to my husband, was the one time my mother in law needed me, just me. I didn't help her. I never spoke to her again.
I often wonder what would have happened if I helped her out. Would that have changed anything? It's so hard to tell. We had been in a situation like that one previously and helped her to the best of our abilities (my husband and myself). But we were young, we could only do so much.
So in addition to the memories of my mother in law, work has been nuts! I know that something amazing must be happening because things are really crappy right now. I spent the better half of today in tears and frustrated. All I want to do is take a risk. Jump into the pool feet first. I want to follow my passion, yet I don't even know what it is. At this point I just want to run away and be somewhere new where I don't know anyone and I can reinvent myself...
An emotional roller coaster, such is my life, for now anyways
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